Healing

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Sunday I had a miscarriage. I was about 12 weeks. I thought that I was almost out of the woods at the end of the first trimester. But you never know. I cried for two days-through two boxes of tissues. “You have suffered a great loss,” said the GYN who performed the D&C. “You will recover physically, but it will take longer emotionally,” she added. One day shy of a week, my emotions have ranged from sadness, loss, grief, blame (which everyone says not to do, which is humanly impossible), to ultimately wondering why? what happened?. I arrived home from the ER Monday at 2a.m. I couldn’t fall asleep until 3:30a.m.  I kept and keep replaying the horrid events over and over again in my mind every time I try to rest. It’s like watching a horror film on repeat and the DVR is broken. You just want to shut it off, but you can’t. Monday morning my friend brought a coffee. I relished in the venti peppermint mocha latte. It tasted so good after depriving myself of coffee for several months. Several months of nausea and quitting bad habits that felt lost. For what? For this moment of emptiness? I tried to look at the positives-I can drink coffee, wine, & eat lunchmeat again. All of which I did that day. Perhaps too much, too soon. So be it. Monday night a friend brought flowers and a card. We laughed and commiserated. Had a glass of wine and chocolate chip cookies. Trying to find solace in indulgence. She had a miscarriage as well. Seemingly everyone has, or at least 90% of my friends. This made me feel a little more normal-it is SO common. The most repeated statistic I’ve seen is 1 in 4-25% of first trimester pregnancies will end in a miscarriage. I almost felt like I had it coming after two healthy, uneventful pregnancies prior to this one. I tried to move past the questioning, blame, and deepening sadness. I tried to meditate Monday. A themed “happiness” meditation, which was the furthest emotion I was feeling. The centering thought was “happiness is my true nature”. The mantra was ananda hum: I am bliss. I tried this meditation for 20 minutes and ended up crying. I took three days off from meditating. What I did was sleep and eat. I felt like I was merely existing, waiting for a storm to pass; cooped up inside. Tuesday it did rain. Wednesday was a beautiful day with waves. It was painful to not be able to surf. The thing that I was doing when I started cramping and bleeding the Saturday before. Another thing to question and blame. But I surfed through my other two pregnancies with no problems. I sat home Wednesday wallowing in self-pity. Three people suggested I just go sit on the beach. I felt like it would be painful to watch the perfect waves and not be able to surf. Thursday morning I went to the beach in case someone showed up for my yoga class. It was so cathartic to return to the beach. To feel the sand, sun, and salty sea. It was the happiest I felt all week! So I went back Friday evening, and this morning. It makes me so happy just to return to the beach. The last two days I meditated without crying. Today I even got back on the yoga mat. It felt good to move, to breath, to heal. Today’s theme was “I am peace”. To move to spiritual peace where one is content even under difficult situations like this. I am trying to get to the place that the Bible describes as “peace that passes all understanding”. I am so not there, but I am finding moments to smile.IMG_3244

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